Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Would-Be Contributor Feels Way Lame
It's not the first time that "Sumazing," 29, has failed to live up to her nickname.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Additional Cup of Coffee Fails to Induce Epiphany
AP- Berkeley, CA
Much to her surprise and dismay, another cup of coffee failed to lead to any sort epiphany in the writing of her graduate school personal statement, according to area woman, Saba Mirza. Mirza reported that shortly before making the decision to stand in line for a white soy mocha, she had come to the realization that, "'You know what? Maybe I need some coffee...The caffeine boost will really heighten my alertness and overall focus! Some coffee is exactly what I'm missing!'"
However, after returning to her seat with the beverage Mirza was unable to furnish additional insight into her personal statement and instead continued to stare blankly at her computer screen. The deflated woman, surrounded by snacks and various technological gadgets, admitted that it was not the first time she was disappointed by her overestimations of the effect certain minor changes would have on her state of being, citing past examples of rearranging all the furniture in her room, moving from one coffee shop to another, changing her pants, and switching seats at the library, all of which have never, ever, contributed significantly to her productivity, despite always seeming like they definitely, totally will.
"Ya know what, I think it's a little cold in here," Mirza said, wringing her hands as she glanced about the room.
Much to her surprise and dismay, another cup of coffee failed to lead to any sort epiphany in the writing of her graduate school personal statement, according to area woman, Saba Mirza. Mirza reported that shortly before making the decision to stand in line for a white soy mocha, she had come to the realization that, "'You know what? Maybe I need some coffee...The caffeine boost will really heighten my alertness and overall focus! Some coffee is exactly what I'm missing!'"
However, after returning to her seat with the beverage Mirza was unable to furnish additional insight into her personal statement and instead continued to stare blankly at her computer screen. The deflated woman, surrounded by snacks and various technological gadgets, admitted that it was not the first time she was disappointed by her overestimations of the effect certain minor changes would have on her state of being, citing past examples of rearranging all the furniture in her room, moving from one coffee shop to another, changing her pants, and switching seats at the library, all of which have never, ever, contributed significantly to her productivity, despite always seeming like they definitely, totally will.
"Ya know what, I think it's a little cold in here," Mirza said, wringing her hands as she glanced about the room.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
News In Brief: Area Woman Retires Long Time Gal-Pal, Sally Sarcasm
When reached for comment Monday the jilted wing-woman said only, “Oh, that’s just great! No, really…I think that’s just f@#*$ awesome. It’s not like I DON'T totally need this right now.”
Sunday, November 2, 2008
News In Brief: Elipses Use Linked to Incompatability, Study Shows
AP- Berkeley, CA
New research coming out of the University of California, Berkeley shows that use of ellipses in single men is directly linked to their being totally incompatible with most women Saba knows. The research, conducted over 10 years in several major US cities studies the frequent ellipses use found in the electronic communication of over 50 men connected with Saba, including her sisters, close friends and acquaintances and suggests that those who use ellipses once or more during a single paragraph were 1000x as likely to suffer from "deal breaking" maladies including, nothing interesting to sayacitis, too many blue button down shirts, acute cologne toxicity, and the heritable condition, mama's boy.
New research coming out of the University of California, Berkeley shows that use of ellipses in single men is directly linked to their being totally incompatible with most women Saba knows. The research, conducted over 10 years in several major US cities studies the frequent ellipses use found in the electronic communication of over 50 men connected with Saba, including her sisters, close friends and acquaintances and suggests that those who use ellipses once or more during a single paragraph were 1000x as likely to suffer from "deal breaking" maladies including, nothing interesting to sayacitis, too many blue button down shirts, acute cologne toxicity, and the heritable condition, mama's boy.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
TP Purchase Leads to Downward Spiral for Area Woman
Berkeley, Ca
AP- In what may be the "last straw" for area woman, Saba Mirza, the purchase of Huggins Brand bathroom tissue has been deemed a catastrophic mistake.
Mirza initially made the purchase exactly one week ago when bargain shopping at the local Safeway grocery chain. "It was nearly a full dollar less than my normal brand" explained Mirza, "and yet it had the same number of rolls--12--I'm not a math expert, but I know a great deal when I see one."
Easily taken in by the smooth plastic packaging and roll-like appearance of the toilet paper, Mirza returned home only to realize the deal was "total bullshit."
Chief among Mirza's complaints are that the tissue is "not even two-ply" that it "looks like crepe paper" and that it is completely see-through. "Look!" she exclaimed holding up several sheets in front of her face, which was not only visible but angrily contorted with resentment, the left eye twitching uncontrollably.
Forced with changing the bathroom tissue everyday for the next two weeks, a task she describes as "sisiphysian," Mirza, says she has tried meditation, prayer and gritting her teeth in order to press forward with using all twelve rolls of the "annoying and idiotic" paper. "Occasionally though, I leave the empty roll on the dispenser and wait it out for someone else to replace it," reported Mirza, who lives alone. She also noted that the "tarded" situation is compounded by insufficient bathroom storage space, as many of the 12 roles had to be stored in the kitchen or utility closet, which she pointed out, adds one full extra step to the roll replacement process, not to mention increases the need for potty planning and pee-wee foresight.
AP- In what may be the "last straw" for area woman, Saba Mirza, the purchase of Huggins Brand bathroom tissue has been deemed a catastrophic mistake.
Mirza initially made the purchase exactly one week ago when bargain shopping at the local Safeway grocery chain. "It was nearly a full dollar less than my normal brand" explained Mirza, "and yet it had the same number of rolls--12--I'm not a math expert, but I know a great deal when I see one."
Easily taken in by the smooth plastic packaging and roll-like appearance of the toilet paper, Mirza returned home only to realize the deal was "total bullshit."
Chief among Mirza's complaints are that the tissue is "not even two-ply" that it "looks like crepe paper" and that it is completely see-through. "Look!" she exclaimed holding up several sheets in front of her face, which was not only visible but angrily contorted with resentment, the left eye twitching uncontrollably.
Forced with changing the bathroom tissue everyday for the next two weeks, a task she describes as "sisiphysian," Mirza, says she has tried meditation, prayer and gritting her teeth in order to press forward with using all twelve rolls of the "annoying and idiotic" paper. "Occasionally though, I leave the empty roll on the dispenser and wait it out for someone else to replace it," reported Mirza, who lives alone. She also noted that the "tarded" situation is compounded by insufficient bathroom storage space, as many of the 12 roles had to be stored in the kitchen or utility closet, which she pointed out, adds one full extra step to the roll replacement process, not to mention increases the need for potty planning and pee-wee foresight.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Woman Accidentally Clicks Link to Sports Page
October, 3 2008 "Woman Accidentally Clicks Link to Sports Page" Berkeley, CA
AP- It was an otherwise normal afternoon for 26 year-old graduate student Saba Mirza, who had wasted the last one-and-a-half hours of her life toggling back and forth between her fb account, gmail chat windows and favorite online news sources. However, soon the frail and hermitic young women would find herself plunged into a “puzzling” and “sweaty” world that she was “never meant to see.”
“I was about to click on a link to see pictures of Audrina’s recent trip to Las Vegas,” said Mirza, “I had a strong suspicion that Justin Bobby had not been invited…but just as I hit the touch pad, my cursor did this hiccup and opened the link right below.”
Before she knew it Saba was face to face with words, pictures, and towards the bottom of the screen, a short video clip relating to various “sports teams and their games and stuff.” It seems Mirza at first believed she was reading a “refreshing” economic piece focusing on regional “trades” between U.S. cities and she was eager to expand her knowledge of the affect of the recent bailout on domestic markets.
“I started getting suspicious when they kept name dropping all these people—as if I was supposed to know who they were—but they weren’t on any of the relevant commissions. They were talking about this one guy retiring ‘again’ and how some other guy got shot. I was like, oh, I didn’t know that about [Chairperson of the United Factory Workers Association of New York], Dennis Farve. There was a lot of talk about how it would ‘affect thousands of fans,’ but the pictures didn’t seem to match anything the article was talking about. It just had pictures of guys who looked very angry and tired after they went swimming with their clothes on,” said a visibly uncomfortable Mirza.
“Several of them also appeared to be very thirsty” she added.
“I feel like the page should have been more clearly marked” she reiterated, vowing to put the incident behind her and to be more diligent about future web surfing.
AP- It was an otherwise normal afternoon for 26 year-old graduate student Saba Mirza, who had wasted the last one-and-a-half hours of her life toggling back and forth between her fb account, gmail chat windows and favorite online news sources. However, soon the frail and hermitic young women would find herself plunged into a “puzzling” and “sweaty” world that she was “never meant to see.”
“I was about to click on a link to see pictures of Audrina’s recent trip to Las Vegas,” said Mirza, “I had a strong suspicion that Justin Bobby had not been invited…but just as I hit the touch pad, my cursor did this hiccup and opened the link right below.”
Before she knew it Saba was face to face with words, pictures, and towards the bottom of the screen, a short video clip relating to various “sports teams and their games and stuff.” It seems Mirza at first believed she was reading a “refreshing” economic piece focusing on regional “trades” between U.S. cities and she was eager to expand her knowledge of the affect of the recent bailout on domestic markets.
“I started getting suspicious when they kept name dropping all these people—as if I was supposed to know who they were—but they weren’t on any of the relevant commissions. They were talking about this one guy retiring ‘again’ and how some other guy got shot. I was like, oh, I didn’t know that about [Chairperson of the United Factory Workers Association of New York], Dennis Farve. There was a lot of talk about how it would ‘affect thousands of fans,’ but the pictures didn’t seem to match anything the article was talking about. It just had pictures of guys who looked very angry and tired after they went swimming with their clothes on,” said a visibly uncomfortable Mirza.
“Several of them also appeared to be very thirsty” she added.
“I feel like the page should have been more clearly marked” she reiterated, vowing to put the incident behind her and to be more diligent about future web surfing.
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